Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
