So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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