I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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