This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
