I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
