I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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