I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
