I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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