i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
