Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
