Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
