She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
