The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
