my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
