my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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