He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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