so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Drake has all the answers
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
