Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He did a backflip because drugs
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
