drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
