My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
