your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
