Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
