please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
