I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
