I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
