Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
