I can text with my tongue
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
