So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
