I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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