Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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