my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
