if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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