I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
