i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I smell stomach acid.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
