he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
