dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
