I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
