Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
