he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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