for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
