I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
