things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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