i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
