Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
