so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
