I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The adults are the big ones right?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
