I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
