I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
