Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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