Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
