so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
