is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
